Episodes.

I was scrambling through my old blog today because I knew I had written a post about what it's like to be in different episodes, and thought I would share it here.


Something people don't understand is the control aspect of Bipolar. I hate when people say "stop being so negative, why are you so sad? Why can't you get over it? Why are you so angry/moody/etc?" It's not like most circumstances where you can just pick yourself and be happy again. Sometimes you just hurt, and you feel sick. Anger makes me feel nauseous, while happiness makes me feel jittery and out of control. These extremes are debilitating when dealing with people who don't understand the circumstances.


Although being bipolar has many many negative repercussions, there are also some positive qualities. Imagine being able to feel emotions with a greater threshold than anyone else. Yes, this means feeling anger, anxiety, and sadness more, but it also means feeling happier, extremely euphoric, etc. Feeling a wider range of emotions that most people will never get to experience is both thrilling and terrifying. You thrive off of emotions like one thrives off of mana. When you get creative, you really get creative. When you go running, you really go running; it's crazy because your mind and body will shut off until eventually you've completely strained your resources and collapse. Basically you do everything to the extreme. Nothing is mediocre. Oh, and you love more---seriously. You physically feel it. You actually feel your emotions.

Being in relationships is (was) hard. The inexplicable anger and frustration, sudden anxiety and sadness, and then instant euphoria and terrifying libido. All in one day? Every day? You better believe it. It's tiring to constantly feel everything at once; it's like having ten television sets turned in to different channels and trying to focus on only one sound. And I bet it's even more tiring having to deal with a partner who is constantly bouncing between depression and euphoria.

(Luckily I found an amazing guy who helps and understands what's going on with me; he knows my signs and how to keep me from spiraling).


In short, being moody and having a bad day is not being bipolar. Being scared of yourself is what it means to be manic depressive. It's being so terrified and uncertain about who you are and what you're capable of because of these emotions that are constantly in the way. A lot of relationships are ruined because of this, and it's hard to forgive yourself and feel like you deserve happiness. I guess I can't emphasize enough that it's scary--people don't seem to realize that being afraid of yourself exacerbates the whole emotionally challenged thing.  You feel constantly out-of-body, and being brought down to reality is hard.

In severe manic episodes, you feel drunk. Your judgment is terrible. AND GUESS WHAT. Mania sucks, and it's not an EXCUSE for shitty decisions, it's an EXPLANATION. I've made AWFUL decisions while manic, and the guilt I feel after is crippling. Times speeds up and I feel out of control, in both the best and the worst way. It's a drunken experience, and oftentimes leads to a hangover with severe repercussions.

In severe depressive episodes, everything is empty. It's not even about being sad. I feel nothing. Blank. My mind is a cavern of darkness and few things can pull me out. This is equally as terrifying, especially with my anxiety. Anything can trigger that shit.

There are some tips for those dealing with this: schedule, schedule, schedule. Form habits and stick with them. I am a routine person, I have my clear schedule and I fit very nicely into it. However, upon being thrown out of that regimen I go into sever anxiety and slowly spiral downward. I liked my schedule: wake up, exercise, eat breakfast, either work or school, practice, eat, relax, sleep. Unfortunately, going through a big life change kind of jumbled up my whole routine. Another tip: run or work out hard. Exercise is the best way to keep your mood stabilized. I'm so busy pushing my body to its full potential that I completely forget to think, and it's a really great feeling when you're so used to being trapped in your own mind.

Anyway, I'm sure everyone has different experiences with their episodes, but this is a tiny little snapshot of what it's like for me. 

Love you all. 

Fatigue

Oh—and I feel fatigue crawling through my veins,

it’s the sickness that comes only by unrequited love,

wishing and wanting, breaking and hoping;

tasting the scent of blood deep inside my mouth.

Faint! I feel devastated, my head is swarming

with moths

where there should be butterflies.

And oh—how I miss those sweet hours

of flyaway dreams!

No more monochromatic pictures inside my head,

no more composure; invasion of lusts

that can never be pacified

fill my head with sawdust and rust.

Please, come return my love,

be my anesthetic;

Bring my peaceful sleep!

I don't have to pretend to be happy.

I see a lot of people posting these positive, happy quotes about feeling blessed and not letting negative thoughts get to you. We've all seen the pins, the tumblr posts. They look something like this:

And you know, I tried. I pinned the posts, I followed the motivational Instagram pages. I believed (and desperately pursued) the idea that you could fake it 'til you make it. Happiness is just a state of mind that can be achieved once you block out all of the negative thoughts and feelings. Like a switch. 

Well, why don't you just try harder not to focus on bad thoughts?

You shouldn't be unhappy, you have so many good things in your life.

It's selfish to be unhappy when you have so many things to be grateful for. 

Just do yoga!

This is what I have told myself. Whenever I felt down or empty I would beat myself immensely. I started feeling guilty for when I was inexplicably sad. Because, these beautiful people on the internet are all so happy with their lives! I should be too!

Fake it 'til you make it is the biggest lie regarding happiness that has ever been conceived. Of course people should strive to find the positives in life and work towards a better life; but honestly, I'm sick of plastered smiles when I don't feel like it. I'm happy when I'm happy, and I will no longer pretend to be when I'm not. It's a cyclical act that can't cure what's really going on in my brain. 

I don't need to pretend to be happy. I don't need to feel guilty when I'm suddenly empty. I can just be me, even the parts that are sad or hurt or lonely. I don't need to be another mindless pin on Pinterest.