I first want to say that Becca's idea to start a blog is so so awesome. I know that these sort of things that bring awareness and support will be beneficial beyond measure, to the reciepient and the author.
My name is Deanna and I am so excited to be a contributor for Becca's blog. My whole life ever since I could remember, I knew I was different. I felt like I was this little stress machine. And while other kids were so care free, I was wrapped in my own ball of torment and turmoil. Back then though, I thought everyone felt this way. I thought everyone had the anxiety I did. So I just learned to mask it and carry on as if nothing was wrong.
I didn't know things were really wrong until I was the age of 19 (I will be 28 this October). A few years prior to being 19, I was being impulsive with my decisions and just being plain stupid. Not a typical teenage girl, but a girl who was losing her grip with reality and didn't know it yet. My crazed state took me as far as to a different country, where I made decisions that forever have impacted my life. And it wasn't till I was 19, all alone in this foreign country where I felt like I could fly. The feeling is intoxicating but slowly poisons you as well. I can remember the boundless energy, the weightloss from not feeling the need to eat, to days of no sleep, endless talking and pretty much thinking that I was supremely awesome. I think back on those moments and I am so grateful to be alive and that no serious harm came to me. Only bad decisions that maybe people judge me for but I know now what was going on. And that wasn't me. And never was.
So, it has taken me some getting used to, being bi polar that is. I am also a handful of other things but bi polar is the most prominent. I deal with it everyday, for the rest of my life. But now I don't think of it as a crutch. Now its something I am aware of, just like someone with anything else that they're born with. Sometimes, well maybe a lot of the times, I feel like people don't understand. How could I blame them though? You can't really understand unless you go through those things personally. So in the end, you just need to worry about you.
Deanna I'm so glad you joined! I hate when people say things like "omg I can totally relate", but I definitely understand how it was to be a young kid and feel "different." I'm glad that things turned out okay after leaving the country in your, what I'm assuming, manic phase?
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about not using it as a crutch. I think a lot of people get the impression that when someone "outs" themselves with a disorder, they want to feel pity or are using it as an excuse. NOT TRUE! It's something we accept within ourselves, and I think talking about it is NOT a way of trying to get people's pity or using it as a crutch, but more of a way to explain to others what they don't understand!
Well thank you for having me! And you are right when I did leave this country I was in a very bad state of mind. But in reality at the time, I just thought this is what I wanted and I was being a rebel. And I am far from that. lol. It is just amazing how our thoughts (well mine in particular) can be so persuading and make me feel like I am this person and I am not.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes get frustrated with myself because when things go wrong..and not necessarily even that bad, my mind will blow things up to such a proportion that i think everyone thinks the worst of me. And my thoughts will badger me and badger me until I feel like I am going to absolutely break. I hate that about myself because I should know better. But I guess you just have to be patient with yourself and let everyone know that is around you that you're just having a bad time.
I have this binder of stuff (not currently in my possession, but stored away) that I wrote when I was manic, and holy cow, that stuff was deep and as dark as it gets. And if you know me, you're like, no way that you wrote this. But that is the beautiful and deadly side of being bi polar. Its a beautiful yet sometimes heartbreaking thing to live with and to experience.